Maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago I had the realization that I was creating drama in my life in order to distract me from the pain and challenges of life that I was presently experiencing. This drama was very helpful, it took my focus off of myself and my processing and gave me a brain break. This is not necessarily a bad idea because it is impossible to process all of the time & for those like myself who have a hard time shutting the brain down, it can be a helpful way to take a break. However at some point the drama stopped doing its job, it hit me one day as I was thinking through all the crazy things that were going on in my life and how exhausting keeping up with all of it was. It was at this point that I realized that I had processed and healed enough that the drama that once was helpful was now a burden in and of itself.
So I came to the logical conclusion that I should get rid of the drama. Over the course of the next week or so I cut out much of the unnecessary prolonged conversations and mole hill issues that had be elevated to mountain proportions. I was very proud of myself for several days until the reason that the drama existed in the first place began to get louder & louder.
The drama was there because I had lost the ability to sit and be quiet with myself. My inner peace had been misplaced and what I was left with were loud thoughts of what I could have done different, what my life was going to look like now or just plain discomfort within my own skin.
This quarter Kristen & I are going through Henri Nouwen's
With Open Hands with our College Women's small group and one of the chapters was on prayer & silence. Nouwen talks about how silence can be either frightening or peaceful and that many of us have become so used to sound when we are silent we suddenly find ourselves feeling "as though we have been violently stripped of our clothing, or like birds torn away from their nests." At this point he's referring to exterior silence but is very aware that the exterior noise prevents a silence of the heart which leads to losing touch with our inner self.
The longer we go without silence the more "unsure feelings are not cleared up, tangled desires are not straightened out, and confusing emotions are not understood. All that remains is a chaotic tumble of feelings which have never had a chance to be sorted out." Employing logic, again, it is an easy conclusion to come to that after 1 week or even a month of build up when one does find themselves in a quiet place all that "racket" starts up, screaming for attention. Either not knowing where to start or how to deal with the issues, it only makes sense that a diversion would be attractive.
Nouwen however provides an even more attractive, though disciplined, alternative. He states that within silence, which is different than sleeping, there is the freedom to "stroll through your inner yard, rake up the leaves and clear the paths so you can easily find the way to your heart." I'll admit that's a beautiful picture and I want it but it also is very scary to me to have to look at & touch all those leaves. The alternative however is exhausting & not just because I get bored of the same music all the time but because I'm not only working to keep the distractions coming but also because of the fear attached; what if I can't find a distraction or what if the distraction brings up what I don't want to deal with? I'll take the raking.
I'll take it because there is a promise of change and freedom attached to all that work. The promise that Nouwen gives that "Under this gentle regime, we can once again become masters in our own house... and there is no longer any need to be afraid. Then you realize that you can do many things, not compulsively but freely. Where you learn to see your life in its proper perspective. In this silence, the false pretenses fade away, you can see the world again with a certain distance."
I'm not saying that distractions are completely worthless, when I'm done thinking for the day or I can't handle one more conversation there's nothing like a movie or hang out time with friends to remind me that there is more to life than what my brain says there is but when all I'm doing is distracting & thinking and not intentionally doing yard work I'm doing myself a disservice.
Since I am not naturally inclined to sit in silence for long periods of time I've started the yard work by sitting with God for 1 minute/60 seconds a day. It's intentional and I pray before it and it's only 60 seconds. I'm hoping as I practice and more of the yard gets cleaned up it will become more natural but for now I'm doing what I can.
I found Nouwen's prayer very helpful:
Dear God,
Speak gently into my silence.
When the loud outer noises of my surroundings
and the loud inner noises of my fears
keep pulling me away from you,
help me to trust that you are still there
even when I am unable to hear you.
Give me ears to listen to your small, soft voice saying:
"Come to me, you who are overburdened, and I will give you rest...
for I am gentle and humble of heart."
Let that loving voice be my guide.
