Tolstoy

"There are two Gods," Tolstoy once said. "There is the God that people generally believe in - A God who has to serve them (sometimes in very refined ways, say by merely giving them peace of mind). This God does not exist. But the God whom people forget- the God whom we all have to serve- exists, and is the prime cause of our existence and of all that we perceive."

- Quoted from Aylmer Maude, Tolstoy and His Problems.

Wyoming...why would you go there?

In the summer of '08 Kristen, Tara & I discovered that we travel very well together. We went to New York and had an absolute blast. Seeing things we wanted to see, sleeping in, roaming around and laughing very hard. This year we wanted to go on a road trip together and through a series of conversations concluded on Wyoming. You might be wondering, "Why Wyoming?" that's a good question and really even we don't know how we ended up picking it. Throughout the trip one of us would say, "We're in Wyoming!" and then we'd start laughing in unbelief. No matter how we got there, it was amazing. I'm sure a large part of it was because of the women I was with. We laughed, had meaningful conversations, listened to a lot of good music, slept and generally had a great time.

There were a lot of favorite memories for me but two highlights were on the first day I get the memo that we're supposed to wear bandana's for the whole trip. The rule is it's supposed to be somewhere on your body. Tara was most creative mixing it up, KT's version of mixing it up was wearing it sometimes and carrying it around in her purse and I tied it around my neck & didn't take it off until Boise when it was too gross to put back on.

Another highlight was that somehow KT and I got on this Lewis & Clark kick. We talked about what it would be like to explore something now and how I'd respond if President Obama called me up and asked me to put a posse together to go explore some unchartered territory. I told Kristen that I'd take her with me simply because she was a teacher. She said that she didn't think Obama would approve her for lack of qualifications so I put together an argument, just in case it ever came up, revolving around the importance of promoting education, supporting teachers and drove my point home citing the Challenger.

We also talked about what it was like for Lewis & Clark to just be walking around, taking notes and drawing what they saw. It was an ongoing conversation that at one point, Tara mentioned that she was amazed we knew so much about them. I'd like to take this moment to thank Mr. Sprague my 6th grade history teacher for providing information that was in fact useful in my adult life. I can also tell you that the Grand Coulee Dam is the largest concrete structure in the United States, not yet helpful information for everyday conversation.

The trip really was a huge highlight of the summer and one I will not soon forget. Randomly as we pulled away from Tara's house on our first day she pulled out her journal and wrote what time we left, that turned into a travel log for the whole trip. I've posted it here because it brings so much joy to my heart everytime I read it that I hope you'll enjoy it too.

Wild West Road Trip 2009
July 30
9:49 Leave Seattle WA
9:54 Weird giggle KT
12:25 Wild Horses at the Gorge – both KT and TG peed on themselves, Tara breaks her camera while hiking.
2:30 Sprague Lake Rest Stop for Lunch
KT’s white trashness confirmed
MD forgot to bring plates
Switched drivers
TG made GREAT sandwiches
3:45 Stopped for gas
3:54 Tara practiced horn-honking
3:57 Crossed state line into ID
4:43 KT alluded to a sweet Dave Matthews’ quote which she will share once we return to SEA
6:04 (Mountain Time) Enter Montana
7:09 Blind taste test white vs. pink circus animals. MD guesses correctly
7:45 Missoula for groceries
9:45 arrive at Best Western Butte

July 31
11:26 Leave Best Western in Butte
11:31 Crossed Continental Divide
12:30 Costco to buy camera – Bozeman
2:15 Reached Yellowstone Nat’l Park
3:17 entered park
3:20 entered Wyoming
4:00 Painted mud pots
5:46 Old Faithful eruption

August 1
9:30 wake
12:30 left for Old Faithful again
1:30 coyote hunting for something
2:15 lunch in parking lot
Left for Lonestar Geyser walk
3:00 geyser erupts
4:45 back to camp
5-7 pm TG and MD sleep while KT reads book non-stop
7:15 dinner

August 2
7:55 Left Grant Village
8:41 Honda Odyssey almost gored by bison
8:56 Tara slaps herself in face, because she has so many bug bites and KT keeps telling her not to scratch.
11:43 Arrive in Cody
12-3 Tara and KT wander, MD writes paper
3:15 Blizzards from DQ
5:15 Chuckwagon cookout
8 Cody Night Rodeo

August 3
7:40 left campsite
11:20 Grand Teton National Park
12 stopped for lunch in a load/unload zone.
12:45 2 pronghorns bolt across the road, while MD is talking with Dad who has a real problem with phone talking and driving.
1:15 set up camp
1:45 attempted nap but can’t because tent is sweltering hot
3 After misc. activities KT and MD ditched TG to go exploring
3:45 Mormon Row – a once vibrant historic district now old houses and barns (including the most photographed barn in America)
4:15 stumble upon herd of bison (approx. 100)
4:21 off roading with TC the VIP
4:37 saw moose
6 watched shootout re-enactment
8 massive thunder, lightening and rain storm
8:30 decided to race storm
8:45 beat thunderstorm back to campsite
9 created “Ghetto Super Tent” (laughing ensues every time MD sings, “Ghetto super tent, that is what you are…)
9:30 storm passed by but a little bit of rain was kept away by our efforts

August 4
9:45 left camp
10:30 started Jenny Lake Hike
12:01 KT gets attacked by a very aggressive chipmunk at Inspiration Point. She keeps repeating “don’t touch me” and “back up off me” while wildly waving bag of sandwiches. He/She eventually gives up and moves on to the next group of tourists. (See KT for different version.)
2:03 Turned around to head back to car
Sometime on the way back: KT’s knee really started bothering her, we saw 3 moose, and eye level child in a back pack said “Hey”, we took the boat back cutting our trip to about a 10 mile hike.
4:53 left Jenny Lake parking lot
5:30 Chapel of the Transfiguration
6 Returned to camp
6:15 TG and KT start fire and make dinner of corn, chicken and broccoli

August 5
8:21 left campsite
8:24 more bison – on each side of road crossing in front
9 Much needed quality breakfast
10:23 cross into Idaho
10:24 KT apologizes for giving MD and TG crap about honking at the state lines (it’s harder than you’d think)
4:15 Arrive at WONDERFUL hotel in Boise

August 6
10:05 leave Boise
10:55 Enter OR – 1st successful honk
11:17 45th parallel – ½ way between equator and North Pole
KT determines the speedometer is correct
1:16 2000 miles
1:18 entered Washington
1:30 rock hits windshield
KT hits 90 MPH
4:12 MD realizes there’s no way we’ll be home by 4:45 (at exit 42 on I-90)
4:59 dog carries other dog in mouth at Green Lake
5 HOME! TG wins guessing game

2252.8 miles driven

Animals:
4 Deer
1 Mullet Man
5 Moose
Dead Fox
Dead Coyote
3 pronghorn
Gray spotted dingo
Bald eagle
Maybe fake bison
Too many bison to count
About 30 ducks
Herd of unknown creatures
Marmot
Herd of elk
Pooping deer
3 dead raccoons (Boise)
3 llamas

Cops:
13 WA
1 ID
3 MT
1 WY
0 OR

10 disgruntled youths

Quotes:
~“Oh man, he’s an old man trapped in Joe’s body.” MD in reference to one of Joe’s song choices.
~”Ugh. Your car beeps a lot…it’s like Safeway.” TG
~ “I know moose like none other.” MD
~”Are you guys playing Would You Rather: STDs?” TG
~”I would also consider this trip a success if we see a velociraptor because I never have before and because Mark’s dog sounds like a velociraptor and I’ve been thinking about them since last Thursday.” MD
~”Minnesota…MINNESOTA!” KT through the open window, guy looks, Megan waves.
~”Baby cow mayhem.” MD at rodeo
~”My goddamn boot split” KT in voice of young cowboy who sulks after his not so good ride.
~”We must now return and report our findings to Barack Obama” MD to explorers (us) as if, like Lewis and Clark, we had been commissioned to discover the great west.
~”You should have woken me up.” TG to MD after MD mentions she’s been awake for 2 hours just laying in the tent.
~”I’m going to the boardroom.” TG while we're waiting for the elevator, we still don't know what she did in there.
~”I’ll be the joke teller.” TG as to what she’ll do while KT and MD drive home from Boise – she told two jokes.

Rest

I was minding my own business at a birthday party on Saturday when somehow it came up that I'm not the best at keeping up with the ole blog so here's an update and a printed intention that I'm going to try to update more often.

This summer was spectacular & just what I needed in terms of rest.

My Mom reminds me that I'm always talking about how tired I am and how my plan for resting is just around the corner and then when the corner comes I'm still busy and I move the resting date to the next corner. Apparently, you can only move that date so many times before you don't have an option any more. June & July were super busy with work and school and because of what was going on in both those arenas I was very stressed. I found myself reactionary to things that normally don't bother me, my stomach was constantly upset, I was having week long headaches and when I would try to go on runs I'd quickly lose stamina and be unable to finish. Very like me, at the time I didn't put all these things together and come to the awareness that something might be going on. It wasn't until I went on vacation that I figured it out.

Kristen, Tara & I went to Wyoming on a road trip. I slept a lot for the first 3 days and on day 5 I realized that I felt like a normal human again; I was excited to go exploring and on a hike, I was having all these ideas of what I could do with the ministries I lead, I was really enjoying articles on Post-Modernism and thinking through how that affects the church, etc. It was great and a part of me that I hadn't experienced in quite some time.

On the last day of the trip, when we'd mostly run out of things to talk about I had a lot of time to think and what I spent quite a bit of thought time around was how to avoid being that tired again. At the time the majority of my ideas revolved around boundaries and making sure I had enough downtime where I really was resting the way my personality needs but right now those ideas are quickly fleeting. The last several weeks have been 50+ hour work weeks and now the students are back and school starts for me on Wednesday. I still think that boundaries have to be the way to go but I don't know what that looks like. So far I've decided on one absolutely free evening a week and intentional scheduling of work, school & fun. I don't know if it will really work but I dread the idea of dragging through things the way I did for the majority of last year.

I have a lot of hope that things will be better this year. This Sunday was the first Sunday back for the students and I was crazy excited to see them all and I had a great time interacting with them, it's probably been at least 2 years since I've been this excited. This is not only an encouraging feeling but also an indicator that so far I'm doing okay in the world of rest. We'll see how I keep it up, I'm definitely motivated.

The coincidence of two's

Last week I found a t-shirt of mine that I haven't seen in a long time that I got while I was a tour director in Alaska. It's from a tiny town called Chicken that has a population of 3 families and a horse. The next day I saw someone at the grocery store with the exact same shirt I briefly chatted with him about how he knew about it and then not 1 hr later I saw someone at the dog park with a Chicken Alaska shirt on. I've been trying to figure out if it's a sign and if so what of.

In the meantime, yesterday I was dropping my friend Elijah off at downtown and just as he got out of the car I heard a pop. Then as I pulled into traffic I could smell burning rubber. I was looking around and saw a stalled car not far up the road. By the time I pulled the 5 car lengths up there were massive flames coming out from under the car. I had my window down so I said to the guy in the passenger seat, "Dude your car is on fire." He looked at me quizzically so I repeated louder with pointing, "Your car is on fire." I took this brief moment to think about the fact that I was sitting next to a highly combustible object while in my own highly combustible object. There wasn't anything else that I could do so I yelled, "Your car is on fire!" and punched it. The car behind me yelled at them to get out of the car & by the time I hit the end of the block they were out and people were pulling over. My friend Drew suggested that I should have gotten out to see if any of them needed pastoral care but I retorted that they didn't need a pastor they needed a fire extinguisher.

This is where it gets crazy. A few hours later I'm sitting at small group, which was at my house, and Mary says, "I think there's a fire across the street. No, maybe it's just their BBQ." A few other people check it out, I look out the front door and sure enough our across the street neighbor, Rick's BBQ is fully on fire. So I bolt out the door & across the street yelling "Hey! Hey! Hey!" I didn't know his name at the time or I would have yelled that. He came out & put the fire out, we chatted for a couple of minutes and he assured me that he had another BBQ in back.
I have no doubt that these are merely coincidences but these seem highly improbable coincidences and therefore worthy to note. My roommate Nacole suggested that maybe I'm supposed to go to Chicken Alaska and start a fire, you know to help global warming. I'm not going to do that.

My First Baptism

When I worked at Evangel, the Christian bookstore, we would sell all sorts of "First Baptism" commemorative stuff; cards, plagues, figurines, pictures, bookmarks, etc. They're all made for the person getting baptized. Last week I had my first opportunity to do the baptizing and it was a very profound experience. I usually bawl my eyes out every time I get to watch a baptism because it's so beautiful to hear the journey that God has taken this person on in order to bring them to this time and place. This was very different though, to be standing next to someone who was bawling and reading their testimony was such an incredible honor that I found myself so stunned that I got to be a part of this moment in this way that I didn't even think to cry until later.

This was unlike the "typical" process. I didn't know the 2 women getting baptized, someone else got to talk them through the significance of what they were doing and it was in the middle of the day at Green Lake. For the record, I am not a fan of lakes and Green Lake ranks high on the list in terms of grossness. Not only were there sick looking fish darting around there were also curious ducks who kept swimming right close to where I was standing. I thought it through ahead of time and had total confidence as I waded in that even the worst case scenario wouldn't kill me, although being held down in Green Lake by a gaggle of ducks would be a horrible way to go. But day of I pulled it all together and focused on the women and how if I got a skin condition at least it would be in service to the Lord.

Being attacked by ducks aside, the significant part of the experience was not only telling people but being reminded myself of the covenant that baptism is. Earlier this quarter we talked in my worship class about our individual beliefs regarding baptism and how necessary it is to the individual's walk with Christ. I don't think baptism is required in order to have a relationship with Christ, be in community with believers or spend eternity with both of the aforementioned parties but I do think that it's an outward sign of what is going on internally. And similar to marriage when one is in the place where they are willing to commit to the best of their knowledge the rest of their lives to this relationship and invite the community into that covenant relationship, it's worth celebrating and shedding a few tears over.

My own baptism was life changing for me, I can't articulate why that act changed things but there was a shift and the following months I grew in my relationship with God dramatically, heard his call to leadership and service, wanted to be in close community with those around me and desired to know him more. Since then, of course, there have been ups and downs within our relationship and my interaction with the community but the covenant remains and there is comfort & strength in that commitment.

So it was a big notable day for me & while I might not get a card or any sort of memento of my "first baptism" there is no doubt that I won't soon forget it and I will be forever honored that these women allowed me to speak into their lives & baptize them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

First One In, Last One Out

A friend recently made the comment that one of the reasons that I was good at my job is that I was the "first one in & the last one out". I know that he meant it as a compliment but what I thought in response was, "he's right, I need some boundaries". Boundaries are really difficult to come by these days. I love people, I love being with people, I love caring for people and I love that I have some gifts and abilities to help facilitate people connecting to each other. It ends up that this is a huge strength and a huge weakness. Typically my boundary issues are seen when I'm doing something that I want to be doing but don't want to be doing. It's difficult to explain, most often this is seen in choosing to do something or go somewhere when I know that it is not a good use of my personal resources, but I also know that I will still enjoy it and be glad that I went. So I go & have a great time knowing that when I get done I'll have to figure out how to manage the consequences of my actions. In the midst of this all, my Mom keeps gently reminding me that I don't have to live my life at 100mph & that I frequently mention how tired I am.

Today I'm choosing to have boundaries and do something new, I have the majority of the day to myself. All the roommates are off doing Memorial Day things and I don't have any plans until 4pm. All morning I've been wrestling with ideas of people I could be connecting with today or other events that I could be inviting them to but for today I'm choosing to set some boundaries and practice the disciplines of silence and solitude. It's not even 11am and it's already been a struggle but I keep remembering the words of Henri Nouwen in his book The Way of the Heart:
We say to each other that we need some solitude in our lives. What we really are thinking of,
however, is a time and a place for ourselves in which we are not bothered by other people, can
think our own thoughts, express our own complaints, and do our own thing, whatever it may
be. ...In short, we think of solitude as a place where we gather new strength to continue the
ongoing competition of life. ...Rather, it [solitude] is the place of conversion, the place where
the old self dies and the new self is born, the place where the emergence of the new man and
new woman occurs.

I could use some of that new woman. So the phone is on silent, the gchat is set to unavailable, I've got a blanket and some time set aside to listen and be directed by God. In the end, I might end up disappointing some people, feel left out or still feel overwhelmed by all I need to do but I feel compelled to try it and so many others seem to think it's a good idea.