A friend recently made the comment that one of the reasons that I was good at my job is that I was the "first one in & the last one out". I know that he meant it as a compliment but what I thought in response was, "he's right, I need some boundaries". Boundaries are really difficult to come by these days. I love people, I love being with people, I love caring for people and I love that I have some gifts and abilities to help facilitate people connecting to each other. It ends up that this is a huge strength and a huge weakness. Typically my boundary issues are seen when I'm doing something that I want to be doing but don't want to be doing. It's difficult to explain, most often this is seen in choosing to do something or go somewhere when I know that it is not a good use of my personal resources, but I also know that I will still enjoy it and be glad that I went. So I go & have a great time knowing that when I get done I'll have to figure out how to manage the consequences of my actions. In the midst of this all, my Mom keeps gently reminding me that I don't have to live my life at 100mph & that I frequently mention how tired I am.
Today I'm choosing to have boundaries and do something new, I have the majority of the day to myself. All the roommates are off doing Memorial Day things and I don't have any plans until 4pm. All morning I've been wrestling with ideas of people I could be connecting with today or other events that I could be inviting them to but for today I'm choosing to set some boundaries and practice the disciplines of silence and solitude. It's not even 11am and it's already been a struggle but I keep remembering the words of Henri Nouwen in his book The Way of the Heart:
We say to each other that we need some solitude in our lives. What we really are thinking of,
however, is a time and a place for ourselves in which we are not bothered by other people, can
think our own thoughts, express our own complaints, and do our own thing, whatever it may
be. ...In short, we think of solitude as a place where we gather new strength to continue the
ongoing competition of life. ...Rather, it [solitude] is the place of conversion, the place where
the old self dies and the new self is born, the place where the emergence of the new man and
new woman occurs.
I could use some of that new woman. So the phone is on silent, the gchat is set to unavailable, I've got a blanket and some time set aside to listen and be directed by God. In the end, I might end up disappointing some people, feel left out or still feel overwhelmed by all I need to do but I feel compelled to try it and so many others seem to think it's a good idea.
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3 comments:
so proud of you! it's totally hard. lately i've been feeling always tired too-ugh. anyway. hope it was good and that you're refreshed. you'll be fuller and able to give more by doing this! nice job.
I love you and miss you tons! What a difficult thing to do--especially with the type of job you have. I'm super proud of you for taking some rest time.
A friend I know said once that when she reaches the end of her life she thinks she'll wish she had spent more time by herself. I remember thinking that was odd, but it's true that the best time for introspection and understanding who you are and what you want/need/love comes when you're alone. Just say no! ;-)
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